Starting a family

[Runningman]

If one is not all in, it is not love

And you know? It really reminds me of how God promises to reveal Himself to
those who seek him with their whole heart. Because love requires nothing less.

Amen. That's the kind of love that resonates with me. That's why I don't think obsessive or clingy is bad.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

She hasn’t seen her girlfriends all year and wanted to maximize her time with them. I’m a guy a world away on a video call who was trying to distract her from that. I think she felt pressure from them that she was looking at her phone too much and they complained to her a lot.

Why were you trying to distract your girlfriend during her girls trip? How long was her trip? If it is not too personal, how often (and length of time) did you contact her during the trip?

I wanted more than a few minutes. I wanted a block out of her day and I think I pushed too hard making demands for her attention.

How much time did you want from her during the trip? I do believe you were being unreasonable. "A block out of her day" is a lot and sounds like a few hours. Trips are already hectic to begin with, she was already in a different zone having fun with her friends. I think a few minutes (or about 10 to 15 minutes maybe) is enough during a busy trip just to let you know that she safe and well, and more details to follow after the trip.

So what I see is that she wants to have a separate life and that I shouldn’t pry too much. I completely disagree with that. I want to know literally everything about her, just being informed is enough. I don’t require her to ask permission. That’s mainly why I want to know about what should change in our marriage or if we’ll have a lot of friction over this even in real time.

I just think she wants some personal space, especially since you mentioned you are "obsessive and clingy".

 

[Runningman]

Why were you trying to distract your girlfriend during her girls trip? How long was her trip? If it is not too personal, how often (and length of time) did you contact her during the trip?



How much time did you want from her during the trip? I do believe you were being unreasonable. "A block out of her day" is a lot and sounds like a few hours. Trips are already hectic to begin with, she was already in a different zone having fun with her friends. I think a few minutes (or about 10 to 15 minutes maybe) is enough during a busy trip just to let you know that she safe and well, and more details to follow after the trip.



I just think she wants some personal space, especially since you mentioned you are "obsessive and clingy".

The trip was three days and the block of time I wanted was an hour or more. Actually, I think expectations weren’t communicated properly so that’s my fault for not perceiving what her needs were. There is a language barrier to some degree (neither of us fluently speak each other’s language yet) so we’ll work on that.

 

[Runningman]

Why were you trying to distract your girlfriend during her girls trip? How long was her trip? If it is not too personal, how often (and length of time) did you contact her during the trip?



How much time did you want from her during the trip? I do believe you were being unreasonable. "A block out of her day" is a lot and sounds like a few hours. Trips are already hectic to begin with, she was already in a different zone having fun with her friends. I think a few minutes (or about 10 to 15 minutes maybe) is enough during a busy trip just to let you know that she safe and well, and more details to follow after the trip.



I just think she wants some personal space, especially since you mentioned you are "obsessive and clingy".

I don’t really see gender being a prime factor for excluding me. I view people based on their relevancy. I am going to be her future husband so I don’t see how it being a “girls trip” is a valid reason for anything. If that’s her opinion, it definitely wasn’t communicated properly.

Maybe since you bring up that you think I was being unreasonable, can you elaborate on that? Please feel free to be honest. I won’t be offended, btw.

 

[Bingo]

"Be assured you will be undertaking lifelong challenges that not one shall ever
conceive the outcome, it has to be lived. I hope the best for all involved.

-I feel somewhat qualified for these threads I have shared and perhaps it would be
of some value. And to share them with a loved one and ponder the words carefully,
precious lives should know no preparation will suffice for unknows. And to know above
all else, in God's care has profound implications never to be taken lightly...believe it."

~To ponder carefully~

https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4698779
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4797151
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4797151
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4694523
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4709688
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4690273

 

[Runningman]

"Be assured you will be undertaking lifelong challenges that not one shall ever
conceive the outcome, it has to be lived. I hope the best for all involved.

-I feel somewhat qualified for these threads I have shared and perhaps it would be
of some value. And to share them with a loved one and ponder the words carefully,
precious lives should know no preparation will suffice for unknows. And to know above
all else, in God's care has profound implications never to be taken lightly...believe it."

~To ponder carefully~

https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4698779
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4797151
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4797151
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4694523
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4709688
https://christianchat.com/threads/this-side-of-the-glass.182929/post-4690273

View attachment 238348 View attachment 238349

I see you have been married for over 50 years. You’ve been married for longer than I’ve been alive and I’m 36. Thanks for the post and I’ll look into tour links. God bless.

 

[Runningman]

Hi, Runningman.

I wrote a rather long discourse on marriage my first time through here under my original username of "Live4Him".

In it, I pretty thoroughly covered the whole submission thing, and not just in relation to a wife submitting to her husband, but also in relation to Christ submitting to God the Father, and the husband submitting himself unto Christ.

If you're interested in reading it (I had to break it down into three consecutive posts because of its length), then you can find it here.

https://christianchat.com/bible-discussion-forum/should-women-teach-should-you.198735/#post-4547539

I think that you'll find it rather informative if you do choose to read it.

Thank you it was informative. Definitely something new for me to absorb and pray about.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I don’t really see gender being a prime factor for excluding me. I view people based on their relevancy. I am going to be her future husband so I don’t see how it being a “girls trip” is a valid reason for anything. If that’s her opinion, it definitely wasn’t communicated properly.

Maybe since you bring up that you think I was being unreasonable, can you elaborate on that? Please feel free to be honest. I won’t be offended, btw.

I just used term "girls'" trip to be descriptive of her trip, not to give a statement on gender. Imagine if you went on an important trip, but your parents require you to call them every night for one or two hours? Or, what if your wife requires this of you? Isn't this too much? It is one thing if you have free time, just watching TV in the hotel, but what if you are out and about. In this context, I don't see a big difference between parents or husband/wife. Some people may be okay with this, but surely not everyone.

 

[Runningman]

Hi, Runningman.

I wrote a rather long discourse on marriage my first time through here under my original username of "Live4Him".

In it, I pretty thoroughly covered the whole submission thing, and not just in relation to a wife submitting to her husband, but also in relation to Christ submitting to God the Father, and the husband submitting himself unto Christ.

If you're interested in reading it (I had to break it down into three consecutive posts because of its length), then you can find it here.

https://christianchat.com/bible-discussion-forum/should-women-teach-should-you.198735/#post-4547539

I think that you'll find it rather informative if you do choose to read it.

I often go away and continue to think about things then come back and reply again.

I do want to clarify that I am not looking to make my future wife my subordinate or my inferior. I am terribly sorry if it came off that way, but I don’t see where I could have gave that impression. However, I just felt the need to make that clearly spelled out.

I believe in cooperation and equality. I think we absolutely have equality and will continue to have equality. What I had in mind in regards to submitting to each other was validating and dignifying each other’s requests when possible or finding me a common ground.

I.e., her going on vacation and not giving me clear expectations and then, when I complain, telling me I am controlling isn’t a valid resolution to the root cause.

I have learned from this and do have a clear path forward how I’ll conduct myself. This won’t be a problem again.

I think that’s just the best way to conduct all relationships, Christian and non-Christian.

Anyway thanks again for the input and I appreciate the feedback from everyone here. I’ll basically tell her it’s a mixed bag of opinions and interpretations. God bless.

 

[Lanolin]

Are you actually engaged.
Just wondering.

Not sure why someone would want to go on vacation without their spouse but if you dont live together or not engaged there shouldnt be any issue.

Some husbands and wives agree to take separate vacations to have a break from each other, since they live with each other all the time and probably get tired of it!

 

[Lanolin]

the checking in on vacation seems a bit weird, I mean how often was that, every day? And how long for. was it like.,,hello, are you still alive? Or...what are you doing, do you miss me? Sounds kinda controlling to me. Trust ought to be mutual and you are both adults not children.

if you treat your wife like a child she'll start to act like one.

 

[Runningman]

Are you actually engaged.
Just wondering.

Not sure why someone would want to go on vacation without their spouse but if you dont live together or not engaged there shouldnt be any issue.

Some husbands and wives agree to take separate vacations to have a break from each other, since they live with each other all the time and probably get tired of it!

It’s a long distance relationship and yes we’re engaged. We’ve agreed to get married, is that what you mean by engaged?

No we don’t live together yet, but that’s coming soon. No problem going on vacation alone for the time being. When we’re living together we’ll take vacations together. I wouldn’t marry someone i could see myself getting tired of. I hope they doesn’t become an issue in the future, but we’ll see when we get there.

 

[Runningman]

the checking in on vacation seems a bit weird, I mean how often was that, every day? And how long for. was it like.,,hello, are you still alive? Or...what are you doing, do you miss me? Sounds kinda controlling to me. Trust ought to be mutual and you are both adults not children.

if you treat your wife like a child she'll start to act like one.

Where I disagree is that I don’t see calling any different than physically being there in person.

Why is calling to check in controlling, but being there in person and spending time together not controlling?

 

[Live4Him2]

I often go away and continue to think about things then come back and reply again.

I do want to clarify that I am not looking to make my future wife my subordinate or my inferior. I am terribly sorry if it came off that way, but I don’t see where I could have gave that impression. However, I just felt the need to make that clearly spelled out.

I believe in cooperation and equality. I think we absolutely have equality and will continue to have equality. What I had in mind in regards to submitting to each other was validating and dignifying each other’s requests when possible or finding me a common ground.

I.e., her going on vacation and not giving me clear expectations and then, when I complain, telling me I am controlling isn’t a valid resolution to the root cause.

I have learned from this and do have a clear path forward how I’ll conduct myself. This won’t be a problem again.

I think that’s just the best way to conduct all relationships, Christian and non-Christian.

Anyway thanks again for the input and I appreciate the feedback from everyone here. I’ll basically tell her it’s a mixed bag of opinions and interpretations. God bless.

I only offered what I did as a potential aid to you.

I wasn't trying to reprove you or anything like that.

That said, I have been feeling led to give you this simple, yet powerful, piece of advice:

If/when you do get married, primarily focus upon fulfilling your role as a husband.

Similarly, your potential wife needs to primarily focus upon fulfilling her role as a wife.

If we understand how marriage was instituted by God as "a great mystery" which represents the spiritual union between Christ and his church, then neither party should want to misrepresent either Christ (the husband) or the church (the wife) to the world.

 

[Lanolin]

Where I disagree is that I don’t see calling any different than physically being there in person.

Why is calling to check in controlling, but being there in person and spending time together not controlling?

because she was not on vacation with you and wanted a break with her friends? you dont call people on vacation.
Thats just dumb. sHe might have been getting ready to go to a spa or some activity to relax, or chat with her friends whatever. why does she need to spend an hour with you, cant she even get 3 days away. Talk to her when she gets back, she can write you a postcard or equivalent, why would you be calling her?! was it an emergency?

 

[Lanolin]

well if you cant seee how that would be super annoying, then I just find it a bit disrespectful and rude to insert yourself into someone elses vacation. Did you pay for the trip or something.

 

[Runningman]

because she was not on vacation with you and wanted a break with her friends? you dont call people on vacation.
Thats just dumb. sHe might have been getting ready to go to a spa or some activity to relax, or chat with her friends whatever. why does she need to spend an hour with you, cant she even get 3 days away. Talk to her when she gets back, she can write you a postcard or equivalent, why would you be calling her?! was it an emergency?

I mean, we could say the same things about those who are physically present somewhere. People on the internet, on video calls, etc are real people with real lives and feelings. I don’t draw the same sharp distinctions that you seem to between people physically present and people on the phone.

We don’t put people we love away into their box when we’re done with them and tell them they’re annoying when they’re speaking to us from across the dinner table, or at least we shouldn’t. So if you’re married and your husband calls you blast him for that when it’s inconvenient? I hope not because that would be quite appalling.

Just fyi, that isn’t really the problem here. Her and I both agree that people on video calls is real life, not impersonal at all. Our relationship is long distance so this is our only option at the moment.

The thing is I just wanted too much of her time and I got it too. She spent a long time on the calls with me, even to the point of running her battery down completely, despite her friends complaining.

 

[Runningman]

well if you cant seee how that would be super annoying, then I just find it a bit disrespectful and rude to insert yourself into someone elses vacation. Did you pay for the trip or something.

I see we just have different perspectives.

 

[EternalFire]

John Piper has recently done a multi-part series on this topic that I believe will benefit the both of you. Here's an episode from the series.

 

[GardenofWeeden]

She hasn’t seen her girlfriends all year and wanted to maximize her time with them. I’m a guy a world away on a video call who was trying to distract her from that. I think she felt pressure from them that she was looking at her phone too much and they complained to her a lot.

I argued that I am a person who deserves the same dignity as if I was there in real time. She agreed with me over her friends, but I wanted more than a few minutes. I wanted a block out of her day and I think I pushed too hard making demands for her attention.

When she isn’t busy or sleeping she gives me a lot of her time happily and freely. At one point we were averaging over 100 hours a week on video calls. Now the circumstances are a bit different due to cellular data problems.

I honestly think a lot of this is just long distance relationship (LDR) problems that will be resolved once I am there.

So what I see is that she wants to have a separate life and that I shouldn’t pry too much. I completely disagree with that. I want to know literally everything about her, just being informed is enough. I don’t require her to ask permission. That’s mainly why I want to know about what should change in our marriage or if we’ll have a lot of friction over this even in real time.

You're not married, and you haven't even met yet, and you expect her to drop everything on a girls trip and block out an hour or so of her time, from friends she hasn't seen in over a year? If I were her, I'd be running for the hills.